We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
