The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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