my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
