I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
