Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
