if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
