broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Pooping to opera.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
