Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
