What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
