Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
