i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
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sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
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Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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