new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
