Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
