Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
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After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
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I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
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