i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
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Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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