I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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