Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
