textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
You smell like stripper and shame
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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