Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Fuck appropriateness.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
