Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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