My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
