it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
