I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
