speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
