I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
