he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
