when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
