my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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