Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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