I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
