When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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