babies were throwing up all over the place
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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