She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
