Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
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