This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
