my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
