He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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