Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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