So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
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Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
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I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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