He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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