Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
