Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
