If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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