dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
