his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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