yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
