he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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