Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
