So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
