I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
