Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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