She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
In other news, I just burned my penis
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Randomize
