drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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