I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
