upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
