I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
