Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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