____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
