There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
