he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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